J.Edward

This past Friday I was on the morning flight to PDX, lead FA was pretty amusing and thought I'd pass it along.

"...and if Portland is not in your travel plans **door closes**, it soon will be as we just closed the main cabin door. Please power off all..."

HMizzle

I once had an FA say basically the same thing then while giving the seatbelt speach she said something along the lines of..."if you seatbelt is comfortable, then it is not properly fastened for take off."

VideoPaul

"STEVE" on an America Worst Express flight from PHX to LAS has his patter well honed and the one liners flew faster than the airplane did...

"There may be fifty ways to leave your lover but there's only four ways out of this airplane"

"In the unlikely event of an energency landing, follow me because I guarantee you that I'm going to be the first one out of here"

"There is a fine for tampering with the smoke detectors, if you're feeling rich today, the fine is only twenty two hundred dollars."

"If you're traveling with a child, or someone who is acting like a child, put the mask over your face first and then put the child's mask on. If you're traveling with more than one child, pick your favorite."

"Smoking is prohibited on this airplane, but if you just can't wait for 45 minutes until we land, you can smoke on the wing if you can get your cigarette to stay lit."

"Last one off cleans the plane"

Steve should have a comedy special on Showtime. He's THAT funny. People actually shut up to listen becuase they didn't want to miss the next punch line. Well done HP!!"

Tod E Tosser

From a TWA FA about a year before AA bought them: For those of you who have not ridden in an automobile since 1967 I will now demonstrate how to operate the seat belt.

obscure2k

A few months ago while traveling AA from Lax/Las, FA got on PA and said" okay, we're coming up on the big-time turbulence area which always makes me feel sick. If you feel queasy, sit back and close your eyes. This always happens between Lax and Las going over the mountains."
Heads up to the FA. It was reassuring. That last 20 minutes between Lax and LAS are really nasty. Glad to hear someone else was queasy. ^

robmarrone

Heard basically the same thing from ewr-las during the safety presentation..."For those of you who have been living in the darkages this is how to work a seatbelt."

This one was from the Pilot on ERJ EWR-RIC after doing circles over Baltimore for 45mins. At the time it really didn't get too many laughs.

"For those of you who do not like Baltimore, or do not want to go there...You can thank EWR air traffic control, because if they don't clear us to come in within the next ten minutes we are going to run out of fuel."

At that point you had about thirty people screaming explatives toward the front of the plane. I thought about filing a complaint, but then I thought it was too funny afterwords.

ldlha

After landing on a CO flight last weekend, the flight attendant
said the usual things and thanked us foir flying then she said:
"Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other."

I just thought it was weird she was quoting Jerry Springer.

kingalien

Taking WN to LAS the FA said as we approached gate "you will have great luck if you cross the seat belts nicely on your seat before leaving." Well I broke even so maybe it worked

correction

CO agent in Houston:

"Do not board via the Elite Access line unless it says Elite Access on your boarding pass. This means you! If you walk on the carpet and you are not in first class a door opens up and you fall into a cage..."

everyone laughed

gsupstate

In the "oldies but goodies" category: "no matter where you go, there you are" heard from an EA F/A upon arrival at PNS back in the '80s...

ryerflyer

After a particularly hard landing in PHX during a rainstorm, the FA came on and said " Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Phoenix. Please remain comfortably seated while the pilot taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate".

Billiken

CO FA re life jackets:

"In the unlikely event that we need to use the under-seat life jackets or seat cushions, they will be yours to keep."

zoonil

on last week's Delta-Song flight from New York to Tampa: It was a riot with bunch of good humored flight attendents (or as Song calls them "Song Stars" on board)


Just a minute or two before the the cabin door was being shut, prior to take-off:

"The aircraft doors will be closed in a minute or two, and you may not your cell phones until we land in Tampa. So now is the time to call your spouse and say "I love you" if you haven't already today, or if you are a business man/woman, now is the time to close THAT multi-million dollar deal"




While being stuck in the runway for over an hour, waiting for the traffic to clear, the captain came on the microphone "Sorry for this delay, we have another 30 minutes of waiting to do... but we can assure you we will take you to Florida, faster than if you chose to drive". of course no body laughed for this one.


While switching on the Seat Back TV's "please note that the seat back tv's operate by touch screen, they are 'push tv and NOT PUNCH TV', There is indeed a real human being sitting behind the TV seat backs"



Before the beverage cart was bought out
"We are bringing the beverage/food cart out, please keep your hands, legs, elbows, noses and any other PROTRUDING ORGANS to yourself"



After a rather rough landing:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tampa: It was a rough landing, but it is not the Caption's fault, it is not even the co-pilot's fault. It is the ASPHALT""



"Your Song stars (Song's term for flight attendents) on this flight were Mary, Cindy, Amanda and Mark, and if you did not enjoy your flight, our names are Candy, Sally, Julie and John"



Announcement after landing, at the end of the taxiway, while waiting for a gate to clear so that we could park : "ladies and gentlemen, the seat belt sign is still illuiminated and......, This flight was lot of bad news for many of you , 3 hour delayed flight, bumpy ride, rough landing...but I have some really GOOD News.... (after a pause), I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" (mimicing the Geico commercial).



Overall an enjoyable flight despite the delays, the rough ride and some of the tacky jokes....

Traveller

I'm not sure if I read this somewhere or actually heard it on a plane:

"Those of you who don't know how to use a seat belt should probably not be out in public".

wingwalkin

Fun thread! Off that subject.....why not be a frustrated 'stros fan rather than disillusioned? They were great!